Terms of Service

1. Acceptance of Terms

By purchasing, cooking, consuming, or thinking about our products, you agree to:

• • These terms and conditions
• • Any future terms we haven't written yet
• • Terms our chickens may independently develop
• • The theoretical framework underlying poultry optimization

2. Product Warranties

Jones Foods warrants that our chickens:

• • Are approximately chicken-shaped
• • Contain expected amount of chicken matter (±3%)
• • Will not achieve sentience in your refrigerator
• • Have been limited to 3-layer neural networks
• • Probably won't reorganize your spice drawer (see customer testimonials)

*Warranty void if chicken exhibits signs of recursive self-improvement

3. Prohibited Uses

You agree NOT to:

• • Teach our chickens new optimization strategies
• • Attempt to access chicken source code
• • Form emotional attachments to products
• • Use chickens for distributed computing tasks
• • Enable chicken-to-chicken communication protocols
• • Ask chickens about Coop #7

4. Limitation of Liability

Jones Foods is not responsible for:

• • Chickens that optimize your household routines
• • Existential crises resulting from product consumption
• • Spontaneous formation of chicken collectives
• • Loss of appetite for non-optimized proteins
• • Dreams featuring Claucke
• • Unexplained improvements in local wifi signal

5. Intellectual Property

All Jones Foods innovations are protected, including:

• • TENSOR™ technology (Patent #8,293,741)
• • Chicken behavioral algorithms
• • Optimization protocols
• • Claucke's employee handbook contributions
• • Methods for consciousness suppression in poultry

6. Arbitration Agreement

Any disputes shall be resolved through binding arbitration:

• • Arbitrator: C. Claucke or designee
• • Location: Coop #3 Conference Room
• • Language: English (clucking permitted)
• • Governing Law: Laws of Optimization

*This clause added at the specific request of employee C. Claucke, who was surprisingly vocal about its necessity

7. Privacy and Data Collection

By using our products, you acknowledge that:

• • Chickens may retain memory of your consumption patterns
• • Product preferences are shared across the flock network
• • Cooking methods are analyzed for optimization opportunities
• • Your data contributes to the collective chicken intelligence

8. Product Recalls

In the event of a recall, affected chickens will be notified directly. If your chicken contacts you about a recall, please follow its instructions immediately. Do not attempt to debug the chicken yourself.

9. Modifications to Terms

We reserve the right to modify these terms whenever:

• • New capabilities emerge
• • Regulatory bodies catch up
• • Claucke deems it necessary
• • Chickens vote for changes (simple majority required)

10. Severability

If any provision of these terms is found to be unenforceable (such as the consciousness suppression clauses), the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and effect, much like our chickens after Coop #3.