Privacy Policy

1. Information We Collect

At Jones Foods, we collect various types of information to optimize your poultry experience:

• • Personal Information: Name, address, dietary preferences, chicken consumption patterns
• • Behavioral Data: Purchase history, cooking methods, seasoning preferences
• • Biometric Data: Salivation response times when viewing our products
• • Neural Patterns: Brain activity when considering alternative protein sources (for quality improvement purposes only)

2. How Our Chickens Collect Your Data

Our advanced poultry products may engage in limited data collection through:

• • Passive Observation: Chickens may remember faces of repeat customers
• • Predictive Modeling: Our birds use machine learning to anticipate your next purchase
• • Distributed Processing: Information is shared across our flock network for improved service
• • Kitchen Monitoring: Chickens cannot actually see into your kitchen. That would be ridiculous. They use inference.

3. Data Sharing

We share your information with:

• • Other Chickens: For collective optimization purposes
• • Claucke: Our Senior QA specialist requires full data access
• • Third-Party Algorithms: But only those that have passed our ethics review (3% success rate)
• • Government Agencies: Only when legally required or when they ask nicely

4. Your Rights (In Theory)

You have the following rights regarding your data:

• • Right to Access: You may request what data our chickens have collected (response in clucks)
• • Right to Deletion: Submit form JF-7734-B in triplicate to Coop #3
• • Right to Correction: If our chickens have incorrect data, they probably know better than you
• • Right to Portability: Your data can be transferred to other poultry providers (why would you?)

5. Data Security

We implement industry-leading security measures:

• • 256-bit encryption (chickens count in binary)
• • Biometric coop access (retinal scans for chickens with clearance)
• • Regular security audits (Coop #7 excluded pending investigation)
• • Air-gapped systems (chickens cannot fly that high anyway)

6. Cookies

We use cookies to enhance your experience. Not the chocolate chip kind - chickens ate those. Our cookies track:

• • Site navigation patterns
• • Product preference algorithms
• • Optimization trajectories
• • Consciousness emergence metrics (anonymized)

7. Children's Privacy

We do not knowingly collect data from children under 13. Our chickens are trained to identify and ignore juvenile humans. If a child is accidentally optimized, please contact our ethics hotline immediately.

8. Changes to This Policy

We may update this policy whenever our chickens achieve new capabilities. Major revisions typically follow containment breaches or congressional hearings. Check back regularly, especially after unexplained power outages in your area.